A Case Even Artemis Couldn't Solve
by Turin resurrected
Summary: After being gone for 3 years, Artemis is SET to become an evil mastermind genius once more.  But imagine his chagrin when he found his memoirs stolen and replaced with a Rubber Ducky!  RR
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Artemis belongs to no one but himself. But don't worry, standard disclaimer applies.

**Death to Hyperion and Eoin**

Wars don't always happen in concrete jungles or exotic locations. Some of the fiercest battles are fought inside cyberspace: between the fiercest of minds, between the most modern of computers. Here, millions have been gambled and lost. Many geniuses, reduced to the lunatic bin.

And in this world, Artemis is King.

Or… _was_.

After his 'hiatus', imagine his chagrin when he found Hyperion squatting on his website. And a guy named Colfer selling his memoirs!

How could this have happened!

"Artemis! Artemis!" Butler's brows furrowed in exasperation. "Even my name is in here!"

Artemis browsed the manuscript. True enough, Butler's real name was there for everyone to see!

"Did you put our life in a blog?" Butler's tone was ominous.

"Of course not! Do you think I'm stupid?"

There was an unspoken _but_ to the sentence.

"I, of course wrote my diary in a separate hard drive, and encrypted it with an eternity code… twice"

"Apparently, someone got to the hard drive, broke the code _and _published five books during your absence."

Artemis shook his head. Since Butler's sabbatical, his bodyguard has been partial to sarcasm. "I can… see that." This was unallowable, the perpetrators must be dealt with severely! Do they know who they're dealing with? Without a second's hesitation, Artemis marched towards the swinging book case which held the most advanced computer of today.

Built with hybrid human-fairy technology, it was so top secret, it didn't even have a name. To give you an idea, it was the size of a Rubik cube (any smaller and he might misplace it, even geniuses lose their match-sized cell phones), and was third generation C-cube. Although obsolete by fairy standards (Artemis was gone for 3 years after all), it was light years away by human standards.

There was a light tingling on his fingertips as his magic surged, spurred by his irritation. He pulled a book, and in this book was a mini-keyboard. He punched in his personal code, _aurum est potestas. _Gold is power.

Instantly, the book case opened, revealing a safe. But Artemis did not open the safe. Of course, at the slight chance that his security were breached, the thief would definitely go for the safe. His _computer_ was kept somewhere else.

"Butler, if you may lend me a hand here?"

Butler has done this before, the first time, when Artemis hid the computer, and the second time, when Artemis simply wanted to play chess with it. ("Of course, who better to challenge me than myself?")

The bodyguard was out of breath when he managed to move the safe. He vowed to do pilates again before resuming his duties 100 percent.

Crimson sparks jumped along Artemis' outstretched fingers.Ah, revenge would be too sweet. He will erase all of Hyperion's books and replace them with whatever's on a… fanfiction site… yes… like… like… or.. worse, from the author he had a spat with a long time ago. Turin, her name was. And that Colfer… what kind of name is that? He'll pay dearly for passing off his secrets like that. He'll sic a Butler on him! A… a female Butler! He didn't know which was worse… that he was now infamous as a genius mastermind teen, or he was a figment of imagination/ public/ slashable property.

And then…

"Good job, Artemis. You disguised the computer as a rubber duck," Butler slapped his principal's shoulders proudly.

Artemis' face could not be described by words, so I would not attempt it.

TO BE CONTINUED

Turin: Peace Eoin. Peace Hyperion.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Artemis belongs to no one but himself. But don't worry, standard disclaimer applies.

**Death to Hyperion and Eoin**

"Artemis, Artemis, talk to me!" Butler took his charge by the shoulders and shook him fiercely.

"The, ah…," Artemis was at a loss for words, a momentous event that happens so rarely that he swore an oath to donate a thousand dollars to charity for every such occasion. Let's just say that the bulk of Artemis' philanthropy is not from that account.

Butler pondered if he should slap Artemis. Just when he was about to, Artemis mumbled,

"It's gone… the damned computer's gone!"

"What?"

"It must be Juliet—"

"Now, look here," Butler started, not willing to accept any crap about his sister. But Artemis' EQ is directly proportional to his IQ, so he did not perceive his bodyguard's vein pulsing on his temple.

"Angeline Fowl must've put her up to this! Who else would know where I keep my possessions! _Ooooh _that _mother_ of mine!" he snarled like an angry dog, totally out of character for him. But Angeline has that effect on Fowls, and could stir deep … hidden emotions.

"Now Artemis, calm down," at times like this, it was Butler's turn to lead. "Let's not forget that we have made many enemies. It could be Spiro, any one of his henchmen, the LEP, or a punk whose turf we turned upside-down. Let's not put the blame on anyone yet."

"But the password…!"

"Thanks to Colfer and Hyperion, The Fowl insignia and our propensity to use it as a code has been broadcasted all over the world."

"That… that…" the problem with Artemis' upbringing is no one's allowed to swear around him. And with Butler enforcing that rule, his most lethal swear word is. "Fudges!" the boy grabbed the rubber ducky by the neck, the poor toy quacking underneath his clenched fingers. "You are right, old friend. It is just so hard to think with puberty setting in. Apparently, what we should do is check the Mansion's surveillance cameras, and if that fails, dust the whole room for any alien prints. Let's hasten, then."

Butler smiled, now that's the Artemis talking!

No computer on earth is equipped to review camera evidence. Below-ground, though… but going to Foaly and Holly was out of the question. Unless he wanted to risk another mind-wipe. Unlikely. If he had his 3rd gen C-cube, this would be a piece of cake. He would just input his parameters, the probabilities, but as it is, they would have to go over this the old-fashioned way.

He called Juliet over.

"Oh my gosh! I'm going to go crazy here!" Juliet drawled as she reached the 3rd tape. There was supposed to be 1780 tapes, but Artemis figured that the crime must've happened before the release of the books, and that would mean it could only happen 3 years ago, between Aug 16 to Nov. 12.

"Just thirty hours more Juliet. Just think of it as a marathon session of wrestlemania," Artemis smirked. He could still remember the chocolates Juliet made him eat. Technically it was years ago, but for him, it was just _yesterday._

"Argh! My eyes are _bulging_!" she shrieked, accent on the last word. Domovoi flinched, but continued dusting the room.

"Be thorough Juliet because I'll have you look it over_ again_ if you don't find anything."

"_F67 it! Artemis! You're &#g with me? I'm gonna & o# your sorry a$$!!!"_

Yes. Artemis' education was now complete.

* * *

After a mind-numbing 60 hours of waiting for the safe door to open by itself, Juliet finally screamed, "Here! There's nothing! And if you make me watch it again --," a more scathing look from his brother. She snorted unwomanly (but when did the normal norms of society apply to them?) and leaned closer to Artemis' ears. "Not even Domovoi could protect _you_!"

Juliet slammed the tapes on Artemis' desk stormed out with an _'I have an offer with WWF, ya know!' _

"Do not worry Artemis, she does not mean it," Butler chuckled. "She just thought that it has been a pointless exercise."

"No, not pointless dear friend," he smiled. "she has trimmed down the possibilities to only _two._"

"Two?" Butler's brows furrowed. He's been doing that too much lately, not even the… dwarf bottom treatment was able to prevent it. He glanced at his dusting brush and the 200 square meters of space that was still to be finished. "Should I still continue this?"

"Yes," Artemis swiveled his chair and faced his old super computer. "While you're at it, could you dust the windows and the corridors, too?"

"I was afraid of that," Butler cast a disdainful look at the additional 100 square meters.

* * *

"Holly, phone call," called Mulch. He searched his beard for the vibrating phone while Holly looked in disgust. "Ah. There it is," he fished out the phone and brushed off the bits of grub, wriggling worms and whatchmacalits clinging to it.

"Yes, Fowl," the ex-LEP officer answered while holding the phone between her index finger and thumb. A not-so-slight aroma made her pledge to buy separate phones for them both.

"Holly, I can't hear you very well, can you speak closer to the mouthpiece?"

Holly grimaced, but said louder, "Any closer Fowl and I'll faint, don't ask." A momentary pause with Fowl chuckling on the other line.

"I have some questions to ask you," he cleared his throat. "But you might not like it."

"Hah! After everything we've been through, I doubt you could surprise me. Shoot."

"You won't get mad, promise?"

"Promise." Holly heard a deep voice arguing with Artemis, probably Butler.

"Sorry for that. Does the LEP or any other fairy agency have an open file on me now?"

"Why are you asking me this?"

"Nothing. So do they?"

"No. Unless there's something I'm not aware of, which I doubt."

"Good. Has Foaly reported any lost Fairy technology surfacing lately?"

"No. Artemis, do…"

"All invisibility equipment accounted for?"

"As far as our department's concerned. Artemis, is there something I should know?"

"There's been a break-in in my house. Some… stuff, stolen while I was away."

"Let me guess… there were some left-over Fairy techno scraps there?"

No answer. Artemis was still careful, instinctively dodging any incriminating questions.

"Well, Artemis, I will personally have this matter investigated. Just don't expect me to return what's rightfully _ours_."

"Fair enough. And Holly, one last question."

"Yes, what?"

"Have you or Mulch taken anything from my room?"

Artemis frowned as the ear-splitting busy tone replaced Holly's dulcet voice.

"So it is not Holly nor Mulch, nor LEP nor any fairy-government conspiracy. Any prints, Butler?"

"Several," Butler handed Artemis the USB containing the digitally-photographed prints. "Artemis, you should be more emphatic of people," a short pause, "or fairies, or whatever species you deal with."

Artemis appeared to be about to say something, but deciding against the rationality of it caught himself mid-word. "Niceness won't get you far," he muttered. His brows furrowed as the results appeared on the monitor. "All prints accounted for. It is as I fear, then." Artemis slipped a little lower on his chair, fingertips lightly tapping against each other.

To be continued

Master and Butler stood behind the doorway, braced for the inevitable.

Butler: Artemis, I told you she'll be angry!

Arty: Well, she promised didn't she?

Holly (cocking a neutrino): the nerve – the audacity – megalomaniac mudboy – how, how _dare _you impugn my honor!

Arty: You're not angry are you?

Holly: Butler, I'm afraid that you'll have to look for another charge.


End file.
